Wine Rides (entirely fictional) Interview with KATE MIDDLETON

alex and royal babe


Wine Rides has amazingly got an interview with KATE BLOODY MIDDLETON! Surprisingly, as since February 2006, Kate received her own 24-hour security detail supplied by the Royalty Protection branch (SO14) which led many to speculate that she and Prince William would soon be engaged as she would not otherwise be entitled to this service.

Despite that, Kate bored out of her mind waiting for the Royal Push to start decided that what she would like to do more than anything else was have a chat to a perfect stranger about her love of cycling, her enjoyment of wine, and her desire to learn more about the history of East Sussex, which as it turns out, is dominated by the family she has married into.

Alex Q: So Kate, when did your love of cycling begin?

Kate A: Well Alex, I first became passionate about cycling as a young child growing up in Chaple Row: a settlement that lies near to the A4 road, and is situated approximately 5.5 miles (8.9 km) north-east of Newbury between 1982, the year of my birth and 2002, when I enrolled at the university of St Andrews.

Alex Q: Kate, I don’t think many are aware of the fact that you are such a big cycling nut. Why have you suddenly decided to go public with this now?

Kate A: Alex, when you start a family, it’s a hugely important moment in your life. It’s a time when you start reflecting on your own achievements thus far. I’ve achieved a lot in my life. There are many things that I’m proud of. For example in 2012, I was selected as one of The 100 Most Influential People in the World by Time magazine. That was nice. I was awarded the accolade of ‘Best Celebrity Smile’ in May of that same year, after placing first in a poll by Bupa. That was fantastic and obviously I have married into a very rich and powerful family, which has been a huge leg up for me, but the one thing that I still hold up as my greatest success, is completing the Mont Ventoux stage of the Tour de France in a time of 1h and 7 minutes. Although not quite the world record, it is only five minutes off Iban Mayo’s time which is the fastest.

Alex Q: that’s amazing! I’m surprised we didn’t hear more about that at the time.

Kate A: It was back in 2009, before my engagement with Willy. At the time I was claiming damages against Rex Features Ltd who took photos of me playing tennis on holiday in Cornwall. So when I did the stage I opted to do it incognito. I chose to disguise myself as Thor Hushovd. He’s a family friend, and we go way back, so he didn’t mind at all, stepping out of the race and letting me take his spot between Alberto Contador and Lance Armstrong.

Alex Q: Now you are about to have a baby, what do you want for them?

Kate A: Alex, nobody knows this baby may be a boy, it may be a girl. But I’ll tell you one thing that’s absolutely bloody sure, it will be a cyclist! In 2011 I visited the UNICEF Supply Division Centre for supplying food to malnourished African children in Copenhagen and that was nice. But I tell you what was amazing! Copenhagen’s cycling facilities! Everyone cycles there, it’s MENTAL. I have never seen anything like it in my life.

Wills and I broke it off for a while so, I could pursue a career as a cycle courier, we got back together, I forget the exact date. But since that Copenhagen trip. I haven’t been able to think about anything else. That’s why in 2013 I became patron of Sport Aid. They told me it was a cycling charity. It turns out it is just for starving children. I tell you what, when I found out I totally lost my shit. I don’t mind doing it, but the bolloxing bloody Palace still haven’t let me do anything to support cycling, which is why I had my SO14 guys tell your sister in law who works here at St Mary’s to go get you so we could have this chat Alex.

Alex Q: Well Kate I am very glad you did. can I just Ask, what is your favourite wine?

Kate A: Well I really like Carr Taylor’s English Sparkling wine. But I am also a fan of Sedlescombe’s First Release

Alex: Of course you are!

Kate: Alex I think we better call it a day there.

Alex: Why?

Kate: My waters broken